Orange YarnMop Hair and the Cult of the Overzealous Fanboi (sarcasm intended)
This is a topic I have been mulling over for several years. I will start by saying that I am an avid fiction and sci-fi fan and self professed geek. I love good stories. This is important enough that I will say it again. I love good stories. I will go to great lengths to find a good story. Movies, TV, radio, books, magazines, serials… it doesn’t matter. But heaven help you if you get between me and my imagination. I also like to write and create my own stories. But, and I can’t stress this enough, I am NOT a fanboi. I encourage everyone out there to dream and to enjoy the stories that capture the imagination.
With that out of the way, there are two types of morons that piss me off to no end. The lesser of the two are the intelletually impaired. These are the people who sit down to a movie and say “I just watched this movie last night. I wonder how it will end this time!” Unless you are watching a movie like Clue or Run Lola Run, you are just an idiot for saying this. Just shut up and go watch Titanic again. If you waste any more of my brainpower listening to you, I will rip off your arms, beat you to death with them, then toss your carcas into the dishwasher. Please think before you speak.
This first type of moron generally appears incredibly stupid but doesn’t do significant damage. The worst are the raving fanboi’s. This semi-elusive creature can be found at conventions and movie premiers that start at 12am. I wholely encourage you to enjoy your stories. If you submerge yourself deeply into the stories, you are a die hard fan. If you want to dress as a Klingon for the premier of StarTrek 69 in a well made uniform, feel free. It lets others around you delve deeper into the fictional universe. But don’t go halfway. If you are going to slice up a Bantha, you’d better be prepared to lie in it.
Having a costume that is badly made, ill fitting and crappy makes you look like a reject. A good way to detect this is if your costume is repaired with duct tape, you are wearing a blanket as part of your costume, or if your ‘in character’ costume consists of one item worn with your street clothes. If it doesn’t look good, don’t humiliate yourself or those forced to be around you. And brush your teeth and use mouthwash. Bad breath is not fun for anyone.
Another fanboi trait is to argue. I’m not talking about normal “damnit that guy cut me off” in traffic type arguments. We’re talking about rabid hardcore geek arguments. I don’t care whether you think Kirk is better than Picard. I don’t care if you think Firefly is a sci-fi western, or a western scifi. I don’t care if Babylon 5 could defeat Deep Space 9. I don’t care whether you think the Doctor could outsmart Mr. Spock. I don’t care whether the Enterprise could defeat a Star Destroyer, a White Star, or a BattleStar. I want to enjoy the stories. With you arguing (and it is arguing, because neither party wants to concede any ground or listen to the other side)…. With you arguing you are disrupting the enjoyment others have of the fiction. And the arguments that cross universes are even more pointless as they otherwise might be.
People fall in love with the various stories because something captures the imagination. Whether it is the character interaction, the mystery to be solved, the humor, or the style of writing, arguing about StarBuck vs. Ivonova is less productive than a wet dream even though both are arousing.
By half assing it and arguing the pointless arguments, you are taking something away from the experience for others. Don’t ruin it for the kid who is just getting into things. I’ve been turned off from stories that might be wonderful just beacuse my first experience was of two nerf herders shouting at the top of their lungs as to which one of them had a bigger geek-penis in regards to the fictional universe.
A long time ago in a galxy far far away, I was one of these fanboi’s. Looking back at it, I was an ass. I apologize to anyone from yesteryear that was disuaded from a good story because of me. But I realized quite a while back that I was pissing people off. So I stopped being a rabid fanboi. I grew up, matured past the 6th grade level, and got a life. I still go to events, premiers, and conventions, but I will never have a stupid argument again.
If you ever do get me into an argument (which I don’t think will ever happen), I will take the position you do just to make you angry, because I don’t care about the outcome of the argument. My goal is to piss you off for taking enjoyment away from others.
Drown yourself in the franchise and please please please enjoy the stories, but do NOT taint the experience for others. If you do ruin it for others, I will give your address to a group of sodomistic romulans that are part of the semi-random ass beating squad.
And no, I don’t want to hear your opion on the SNL episode with William Shatner. It was meant to make you laugh.
Sincerely,
ED-209
ED-209 is an ex-fanboi with a podcast and a penchant for tequilla. That may help explain this
